walking down a path littered with leaves, hands touching, laughter lilting,
the breeze lifts your hair above your eye and clears the ground ahead;
i see in you a kind of dream-of-a-thing, and let go of what i was before seeing.
familiar spaces in my rooms become yours,
a speckling-together of colors to make one brand new;
you anchor in me, our roots spreading down.
but sweaters pull, yarn dangling at seems and on collars,
shapes shifting, it is still comfortable to draw you close;
warmth in familiarity amidst small, biting pockets of cold sky.
we walk toward nowhere, disconnecting and untangling in static air,
looking in your eyes, i see revealed a space and clearer colors;
your anchor lifts. i stand rooted on the shore.
the darkness crawls in, slippery, like spiders angling their legs and contorting their edges to slide through crevices, around corners. the places you allowed to go dark grow darker, slate spiders crawling in to build webs and block the light. you know you should not allow the spinning to start, but it intoxicates you, mesmerizes you. crusts over the corners of your eyes and numbs your ache by slowing the beating of your one, red heart. and while you allow the fascination to bleed-in the slow creep of hollow, the poisoning begins. into your veins like oil. venom. infection. until you are bound by spun, glittering diamonds and petrified by sludge.
you are gone, girl,
.g o n e.
i started this post almost two months ago. i’ve been in the depths of a very dark and incredibly painful time in my life. this has been the most physical pain i have felt as a result of emotional sadness that i can remember, especially in my adult life. i wanted to share this because i don’t think we do a good job of describing how pain and sadness can take a hold of us, even when we don’t want them to, even when we try to make decisions to keep us out of the dregs. i wanted to share that regardless of the joys and fears we experience, or the positive and negative things in our lives, we are all capable of feeling intense sadness and happiness. we all need time to turn inward, as well as to feel the support and care of those who matter to us. we need space and boundaries, laughter and quiet. this stillness, the space where sadness lives, is a place we have to go and from which we can return. it is the same place from which hope can grow. you are not alone.